Single #15: Joel Christ

Meet Joel Christ

Gender: Male

Age: 2035

Body Type: "Real slim with a bit of a beer gut. Buy hey, I'm-a workin' on it, I'm-a workin' on it. Jeeees."

Style: A marriage between Ghandi and WWF character.

Best Asset: "Do I even need to say it? Hello? My connections! My brother is Jesus, for crying out loud! Jesus freakin Christ. My stepfather is G0d! I am the closest link you have to heaven on earth, ladies! I am also very very good at Salsa dancing. Now I haven't mastered it yet... but I'm, I'm, I'm very very good, you know? Ask my teacher. I'm much better than the other people in the class (whispers: and some of them are Latino! shh!)."

Seeking: "Show me something I haven't seen before in the last two millennia. You do that and I'll marry you on the spot. On the spot! No joke! We don't need a witness, we don't even need a priest! I just look up at the sky and wink and a fuckin ring falls out of the sky right on to your finger. Bam! Done. Show me something new, ladies, something new."

Meet Joel Christ

Mention the initials "J.C." to anyone on this earth and they will know to whom you're referring (well, all the saved people at least). But don't let J.C. Chasez' world renowned boy-band fame get in the way of meeting Mr. Joel Christ. This outgoing country bumpkin is the last surviving member of deceased religious leader and alleged saviour Jesus Christ. Both a brother and close friend to Joel, Jesus reportedly "died for our sins" and is expected to return to earth when the timing is appropriate (Joel: "just not on my birthday! PLEASE... I love my birthday, it's my day.)

Indeed, Joel expressed on a number of occasions his resentment for living under the shadow of a messianic figure and direct descendant of the Lord: "No one sees me for me, you know? I'm always 'Jesus' brother.' It's always 'how is Jesus doing?' or 'Take me to Jesus' or 'Can Jesus save me? Oh I love Jesus I pray to Jesus, Jesus is my saviour blah blah Pttthhhfft! You want to know what Jesus would do? He would tell you shut up and talk about Joel for once!" Joel choked up and I watched as tears formed in his eyes and slithered down his cheeks. "I mean, I get it. He's the Christ that everyone knows and loves. But I have a lot to offer to, you know. Like for starters - being ALIVE! And I don't mean that in the lame "alive in your heart" kind of way. Like I'm here! I'm a tangible body. Doesn't anyone want a tangible body??"

You see, people often mistake Joel for his celebrity brother, Jesus. This is likely because of the crucifixion marks on his hands, the crown of thorns on his head, the white robe with a red scarf, the shaggy brown hair, the untrimmed beard, the look of a Roman peasant circa 13 B.C. and of course the giant wooden cross Joel carries on his back everywhere he goes. Joel reluctantly admits that there is a part of him, however small, that thrives off his mistaken celebrity status. It's actually helped advance his career in a number of ways. Not only is he the town's most popular carpenter, but his one-man-show "My Big Fat Second Coming" was an enormous off0-broadway hit!

"My one-man-show is comedic perspective into what it was like growing up as a Christ. The scene that gets the biggest laughs is where mom announces at the dinner table that she's pregnant but didn't have sex. Dad has a line: 'So how in the name of Caeser did you get pregnant??? G0d??' and that line usually gets some laughs but then I switch into the mother character and say 'Yes, Jo! How did you know???' And that really gets the audience going. Oh they really like that a lot. Ha. Yeah. That and there's this little joke I make where I have my dad say to Jesus: 'now don't get cross with me boy!' and it's a wonderful moment. Precious."

Aside from being the stepson of the G0d, Joel leads a simple life like the rest of us. He eats sandwiches for lunch, pays the cable bill and tries to lay off the carbs. All thats missing, he says, is a nice companion who isn't obsessed with Jesus (or JC Chasez for that matter) with whom Joel can have sex with a lot. And Joel has a lot to offer such a lucky girl! Joel pursues a number of exotic interests that would spice up anyone's life: Salsa dancing, pan-Asian cooking (read: using a wok), snake charming, Capoiera and singing.

"I've started taking singing lessons. Nothing big, I'm just starting with a few showtunes. I can give you a taste if you'd like?"
"No thanks, I should really get going this profile is much too lo-"
"Some enchanted evening! You may see a stranger... See? I'm not half bad eh?"

Joel was, in fact, more than half bad. He was at least 3/4 horrible. But, metrics aside, let us pray to Joel's brother, step-father and the holy JC Chasez, that Joel's snake charming skills will transfer over to his dating life. For Joel and the woman of his dreams will be a match made in Heaven.

Single #14: The Dionne Quintuplets

Meet The Dionne Quintuplets

Gender: Female.

Ages: 81 or 405 collectively

Body Type: Age has not been kind to the Dionne Quintuplets, as their depression-era malnourished and underweight pony bodies grew into frail and cancerous horse bodies. This was indeed the case up until 3 years ago, when the Quintuplets' trainer replaced their regular Equus-type diet of hay and apples with a magical revival formula comprised of Redbull and vodka. Now the women stand tall, with renewed girth and vigour. However, they do have the occasional "heart palpitation hangover", the plaguing side-effect of the Redbull Vodka elixir

Style: Polished hooves and a shiny coat.

Best Asset: Their charming French-Canadian accent and adorable joile terminology, esti!

Seeking: Five gorgeous stallions. Or, alternatively, one HUMUNGO zebra. Desired partner should be well-travelled (a "globe-trotter" if you will? Ba-dumdum CHING!) , good with children and pets, and an avid reader of manga.

About The Dionne Quintuplets
Before their was Nadya Suleman, the Angelina-obsessed octopus baby maker... there were: Annette lillyon Marie Dionne Cécile Marie Emilda Dionne Émilie Marie Jeanne Dionne Marie Reina Alma Dionne ...and who could forget... Yvonne Edouilda Marie Dionne These are the names of Canada's tiniest icons, the Dionne Quintuplets. These national heroes are upstaged only by Hero Burger joint on Queen Street in Toronto (a semantic victory, really). These five baby girls were the first identical quintuplets to survive infancy! And though their day of fame has passed, a nationalist equestrian with obsessive-compulsive disorder has revived this chapter in our history books though five fine mares.

Now I know what you are all dying to ask... and the answer is no! They don't all dress alike. "We each have our own unique style and personality. The belief that identical quintuplets dress and act the same is a myth promoted in popular culture. The same with talking horses." I inquired further about Ed the Talking Horse. The five sisters then scuffed at me. Marie Reina even whinnied and kicked her back foot.

After breaking the ice with the usual small talk - "what brand of horseshoes do you prefer?" "How do you manage to brush your own tail?" "Do you sleep standing up?" "Why are horse penises so large not that I'm looking?" - I got to the nitty gritty of the sisters lives.

"Truth be told," Annette explains, "we aren't even sisters. Our trainer tried to find five brown horses but after acquiring only three, went broke and settled for the black and white(ish) horses he inhereted years earlier from his uncle Merv." If you are curious about the extra black horse that appears in the photo above, Anette, the black sister explains: "This is Frank, our understudy. Should I die he will replace me as Annette. I can't promise he won't do a lousy job, though. His trot makes Bambi's first steps after birth look like ballet! Worse any trot I've seen."

Interestingly enough, the gender of the Dionne Quintuplets seems somewhat of a farce. Celine and Yvonne were born Angus and Charles - names that allude to English schoolboys not small town French Canadian girls. One may be concerned, especially those interested in birthing centaurs or minotaurs, about the Quintuplet's old age. It is true, they have very few fertile years left and at their old age, pregnancy and birth would be risky with defective results... one may expect a pony and out comes an ass. However, if you seek that balance between hedonistic polyamoury and old-age companionship - the Dionne Quintuplets are your gals (or guys)!

Single #13: Cleve

Meet Cleve

Gender: Male

Age: 78

Body Type: I say stiff and wiry; Cleve says "Buff and malleable. And that's an improper use of a semicolon."

Style: Rustic. Something you would receive as a homemade gift for your 50th wedding anniversary that you are obliged to appreciate because it came from from your impoverished artist friend who, as an older bachelor, has dedicated his retired life to metallurgical art. The gift would likely be placed in the backyard garden next to a plastic gnome, the latter of which is subsequently removed when the older bachelor artist friend comes over and asks to see what you've done with his piece and would simply be appalled at the idea of his work being upstaged by a terrifying display of kitch. And yet, when other guests come to visit they ask where you got that lovely gnome. You never mention this to the older bachelor artist friend, of course.

Best Asset: "Like my old friend the tin man, I have a glowing heart under these hardened layers. *tink tink* But unlike my old friend the tin man, I'm not made of recycled pepsi cans and duct tape. This here, *clank clank*, is expenssive bronze and brass metal sutured together by an expert engineer. No wonder women like me more. I mean, honestly are we supposed to just ignore the fact that that's clearly a funnel on your head and NOT a hat? Seriously."

Seeking: "Someone to oil me down and keep me from rusting! Heh Heh Heh. *Clank* Oh my."

About Cleve

Assembled in Israel with only the world's finest bronze and brass, it is no wonder Cleve often gets mistaken for a tuba, "I tell em' - you want to see my impression of a tuba? Pull my finger! Heh heh. *honk*." Cleve's sense of humour is inescapable. He's somehow got the "gross old man" act down to a tee. "They call me the Rodney Dangerfield of garden art. But without the oversized face." But just as annoying!

Well, Cleve may not have starred in Caddyshack, but he's pretty well known throughout the land. "Cleve? Ha! Of course I know Cleve! That twisted craddle-robbing son of a bitch used to date my daughter!" said a ceramic rabbit. The decorative polystreme rocks agreed. So too did the roman-inspired concrete bird feeder, the humble terracotta replica of Michaelangelo's David and the Dragon-fly plant holder (who was, to be fair, easedropping on the conversation from the neighbour's side of the fence).

"So I'm not well-liked by my peers," Cleve coldly admits. "But that should tell you that I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I'm not here to please others. I'm here to be who I am. Cleve. Cleve the centerpiece of this garden. Cleve the resting spot for sparrows and squirrels. Cleve the -" *BANG!* *Shatter!*...

In the midst of completing his sentence, Cleve was hit by the ceramic rabbit! Luckily, Cleve's Vietnemese hat prevented him from any serious injury. Ceramic rabbit was not so fortunate. We found him shattered amidst the soil - eyes, ears, tail, spine... all of it smashed to smitherines. Further investigation will take place as to who launched the poor, ceramic father of 18. Subtle hints from the rooster weathervane suggest it was David.

Single #12: Tray Greg

Meet Tray

Gender: Boy

Age: 12

Body type: An eerie resemblance to Gavrosh (...from Les Miserables? No?...Well for all you culturally-bankrupt philistines: look it up!)

Style: 1950s New Hampshire schoolboy enrolled in sailing camp meets drunken mime during final week of August when New Hampshire boy's family takes one last vacation at their yacht before the kids return to school and the whole rigmarole starts again... unless of course it's an Indian Summer and they can take the ol' S.S. Primrose out for one last dance in the lake even though it's slightly cooler and you can't wear white after labour day.

Best Asset: Dancing skills.

Seeking: "A mature girl. She has to be older, like 13 or 15. The girl's my age don't cut it. They just aren't as sophisticated."

About Tray
You've likely heard of Tray. At the young age of 12, this boy has already established himself as a seasoned tap-dancer with experience performing all over the globe. "My best performance was at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow before it closed for renovations. I shared the stage with the one and only Natassja Egorov." Who? "You ignoramus, she's only the most famous tap-dancer in Eastern Europe! She's like the Ginger Rogers of Russia."

After cackling at the thought of a Russian Ginger Rogers (tap dancing at that! Ha!) I noticed that I had rubbed Tray the wrong way. In attempts to regain his respect and trust I told him that if the two of us were in the movie You Got Served or any of the other fourteen million movies made by wealthy white people depicting inner-city black teenage boys dancing their way up the socioeconomic ladder in that way that white people romanticize so well, I would be the one who was served by him. Wait... Is that how it works? Is the person who is "served" the loser of the dance off? Or by being "served" am I actually the winner because I am drawing on the analogy of being serviced by someone of lesser importance?

"What moronic urbanite jargon are you spitting at me?! Don't you dare soil the prestigious art of tap by infiltrating it with your poorly-referenced pop-culture colloqualisms. Blast!" I took this explosion of boyish pubescent rage as my cue to drop the topic of dance altogether and ask Tray about something more pleasant: What would be Tray's ideal first date?

"Finally, a worthwhile question. Well, I suppose I would pick up my date at her house and place her comfortably in the back seat of my bike which is made out of a Sealtest milk crate attached with twist ties. If she wasn't too fat, I would ride us over to my (parent's) yacht where I would have a candle lit dinner prepared, a dozen roses scattered across the table and the Jonas Brothers playing softly in the background. We would discuss our dreams and laugh over a dizzying mix of Hi-C and Tonic Water. And as we watched the moon's reflection spill over the water's waves, I would cup her face in my hands and lean in to kiss her softly but would most likely end up prematurely ejaculating. Well... I suppose that's a relative term, perhaps it wouldn't be premature at all... perhaps it would be anticipated. That's for her to decide."

Now if that scenario doesn't win over your 13 - 15 year old hearts, what does? Perhaps the paralyzing embarrassment you will experience when you tell your friends that you're dating a 12 year old tap dancer? Or maybe you're won over by the jarring side-effects of Acutane apparent on Tray's bleach-white face? Whatever the reason, let it be known that this Fred Astaire is looking for his Natassja Egorov.

Single #11: Cherry Mayrot

Meet Cherry

Gender: Female

Age: 36

Body type: Cherry appears as though she should be breast feeding at any given moment in time.

Style: Cherry's style can only be described with the following scenario: If your house was burning down and the fireman told you there was only enough time to salvage the three ugliest things you own... and then you ran past your burning house to a dollar store and purchased 11 place mats and glued them together in poorly-designed symmetrical patterns and wore them as a ballgown.

Best Asset: Extensive network of prescription drug providers.

Seeking: "The man who's name I tattooed on my lower back... or thigh. Either guy is fine."

About Cherry

At a very young age, Cherry was lured into the world of business, feeding her entrepreneurial spirit by opening Canada’s first Professional Center for Guidance in Self-Medication or F.A.R.T. Why the discrepancy between the acronym and the title of the Center? Cherry explained that F.A.R.T’s 3^rd executive director had grown increasingly illiterate due to the long term side-effects of his self-prescribed medical cocktail which included Oxycotin, Vitamin B12 and Tang. Cherry further clarified: “He also really likes fart jokes.” And thus the natural conclusion: add the word FART to the center’s name.

So what exactly does it take to be a leader in today’s self-medicating industry? My unbiased observation of Cherry led me to single out three particular qualities that put her at the top of her game – both in the professional world and in the dating arena: bravery, drooling and repressed childhood issues. Cherry, however, is much more humble when relating the reasons for her success: “pttttttthhhhhhh vvvvvvv gh. Gh. Glebbe?”

Naturally, Cherry is a very busy woman. If she isn’t concocting medical treatment plans based on dispensing arbitrary ratios of pain-killer, vitamin B12 and citrus flavouring, she can be found in her parents’ basement designing clothes… or cloth. She explains: “I have worn this shirt since I was 16. Every week I fix it up to look a different way. It’s so good to save money like that. This week I am going to write the words ‘triple threat’ across the shirt boobies because I heard someone say that two words before yesterday or something.” Cherry seemingly abandoned this goal after quickly scrawling the first four letters of the world “triple” with a sharpie and coming to the daunting realizations that the letter “m” is indeed not in either word.

But enough about Cherry the “dedicated professional who surfs the web for black-market prescription pain killers even though her computer isn’t hooked up to the internet” or Cherry the “vomit-inducing clothing designer” or Cherry “the mother of eight(een)” or Cherry the “Craigslist Personal Ads Moderator” or Cherry “the hairstylist with the gayest clientele base in Ontario” or Cherry the “holder of the Guinness World Record for the most cartwheels executed in a 48-hour time span” or Cherry “the ex-girlfriend of America’s most undervalued Muppet, Telly Monster (like the George Harrison of Sesame Street, he was)… Once you take away these grandiose markers of Cherry’s identity, who is the Cherry then? That is for you handsome single men out there to find out!

Single #10: Marni Mae Julliath McGee Lopes Myanmar Plaxton Chow Dupuis

Meet Marnie Mae

Gender: Female

Age: 35

Body Type: "6 years of jazzercise... need I say more?"

Style: Some call it boring. Marnie Mae calls it Banana Republic.

Best Asset: "I have a heart the size of Alaska. Or Nebraska. Or both... it's the size of the Ottoman Empire... if it annexed Pluto."

Seeking: A casual and discreet lover. A friend, let's say. I have a tendency to get attached very quickly and marry the men I meet in, you know, a few dates or hours and that is a pattern I'm trying to break. I'm trying to be more independent. And I'm still technically married. Technically. And technically my husband has no clue that I'm looking for someone to sleep with. So if you want to get all technical about things, well I am looking to have an affair. Technically speaking.

About Marnie Mae
Marnie Mae is a unique woman with an even more unique career. Her business card reads:

Marnie Mae Julliath McGee Lopes Myanmar Plaxton Chow Dupuis
Architect to the Wildlife Kingdom

What does this mean exactly? She explains: "Well, it's my job to go out into the wilderness, study the ecosystem, destroy it and then re-design a habitat more convenient for the wildlife in the surrounding area. Sometimes this process is referred to as 'revitalization' or 'gentrification' or 'illegal' but I prefer to give animals more agency in the matter. This is a professional, work relationship. By calling myself an Architect to the Wildlife Kingdom, I suggest that I am serving them. They are my clients. I do all this for them." For those readers who need clarification on what kinds of architectural considerations were thought to be more convenient for the entire Wildlife Kingdom, Marnie Mae gives some examples: "Let me ask you this: Where is a parakeet supposed to find one of those blue ropes with the mirror and the bell tied to it that they can play with all day? Can you answer me that? Where? Nowhere... Parakeets need a strip mall." Still not convinced? Try this one: "Sure monkeys can brush their teeth, but where are they going to spit after they rinse their mouths? What? Are they just going to spit on the floor? That's disgusting. they need a sophisticated plumbing and irrigation system. They need cupboards and armrests and coasters... Just like us."

Before any aspiring Wildlife Architects follow the career path Marnie Mae has paved, they should consider the downside of this selfless line of work: "Don't expect to be paid on time." She laughs, and adds: "And don't think you'll get a 'thank you for suggesting the hidden appliances theme in our kitchen because the stainless steel would have just looked rediculous next to this shade of bark' or 'that was so nice of you to include bevelled edges on our distressed flooring for no extra charge.' They're very ungratefu, the animal kingdom. You'd think, naturally, because you are making foot rests for elephants with swollen ankles, you would get some recognition. This isn't the case."

When Marnie Mae is not busy turning rainforests into Ikea showrooms, one can find her at her lawyer's office settling 18 years worth of divorce cases - "6 divorces in 18 years... that's ALOT of paper work" She sighs. Marnie Mae says she does not regret any of her past marriages, "whether I can remember any of them is another story." Luckily, she has a policy of collecting her husbands surnames as a way of paying homage to their impact on her life: "I would get tattoos but somehow tattooing the names Peter Chow or Marcus Myanmar Jr. on my body seemed unattractive. Maybe I'm just afraid of needles."

If you're interested in building a family room for meerkats or assisting in the implementation of escalators for tucans, be sure to contact Marnie Mae. You may just be lucky enough to add to her collection!

Single #9: Andreas Berg

Meet Andreas

Gender: Female

Age: 16

Body type: "I don't fuckin' know. What? Like sporty I guess? Like, what the fuck kind of question is this?"

Style: Jem meets the Indigo Girls... and has a dysfunctional polyamorous relationship resulting in a custody battle over a cat and plaid guitar carrying case.

Best Asset: "I'm fuckin' rad."

Seeking: "Anyone but my stupid loser ex-boyfriend who doesn't get the fuckin' picture Jason! It's over. Like, this kid doesn't get it. I'm like so done with you, it's embarrassing."

About Andreas
Does Andreas look familiar to you? It's probably because you've seen this local celebrity rockin' the stage as lead singer and guitarist of the band "F U Mom." Andreas tells me that after a serious debate over a lunch break ("Like, the entire fuckin, like, lunch hour"), the band decided to change it's name from Fuck You Mom to "F U Mom" so they could expand their gig horizons. And expand their horizons they did! Maybe you saw them last month at Grimsby District Secondary School's Annual Battle of the Bands? Or just last weekend at Dominick Finetti's Bar Mitzvah? "Yeah, we're pretty fuckin' big but like, I don't let it get to my head, you know? Whatever. I mean, yeah." They were even featured briefly on the community listings for that CHIN Multiethnic channel that produces groundbreaking programming like "Eye on Asia" and "Polish Studio."

Balancing school and a booming music career is no easy task according to Andreas, "It's like, I'm like, soooo fuckin' busy doing this right?" Andreas gestures to the side with her left hand. "And then it's like, shit! Oh man! I forgot, like, I have to do that. Right?" Andreas gestures to the opposite side with the other hand - indicating two abstract spheres in life ("this" and "that") which are seemingly equally demanding of her time and energy. "That, like, struggle comes up a lot in like my lyrics because, like- Balance. Balance is- I think it's likem because - okay, so balancing is like fuckin' the core of everything. Right?" I voiced my disagreement only to find out that Andreas was not asking me a question but is in the habit of punctuating her sentences with the word "right" and spoken with an upward inflection that suggests she is asking a question when in fact she is actually making a statement but doing so as an insecure teenage girl. "Are you like, some fuckin kind of alien? Fuck, Like, seriously? Do you speak to people, like here on earth? You know?" I said I didn't I know and asked Andreas if she has ever, in her life, managed to complete a full sentence. I was then scuffed at and made to feel like the most worthless gathering of matter the world has ever seen in a way that only teenagers can truly master.

Grammar and syntax aside, Andreas has so much to offer a potential mate. She is passionate, talented and independent. She has a burning desire to find and explore new love, a drive present in the pioneering spirit of her new song "I Haven't Been to Third Base Yet (but would like to with you)." So to all you Avril Lavigne groupies out there discouraged that she has committed herself to a life of holy matrimony, come swing by Natasha's upcomming Sweet Sixteen party and try your luck with Andreas. But only if you're invited.

Single #8: Lara Flynn Moyle

Meet Lara

Gender: Ha! I don't subscribe to the gender binary... mostly because my thyroid problem makes me grow hair out of my cheeks.

Age: Oh, you didn't? Ha! Next you're going to ask my weight aren't you? Ha... my age is somewhere in the range of 11 and 37.75.

Weight: What is this a medical exam? Ha!

Body Type: Buxom

Weight: Um, hello? Ha! I told you a true lady doesn't share her age or her weight.

Best Asset: Ha! Easy-peazy, miss sleazy... My style.

Seeking: My partner in crime!

If you were to be sold at a deli for $1/pound you would cost: $167 and about five dollars more when I'm on my period. Ha! gross! Ha! you tricked me. Ha! I'll chop you.

About Lara
For Lara, there is no separation between work and play. The two harmonize better than the Bee Gees for this American Apparel senior manager. "It's great, I tell you! It's fabulous! The colours! The overpriced colours! Ha! I'm surrounded by an explosion of colours all day in a store that feels like the inside of an iPod!" Though the inside of an iPod is presumably filled with chips and wires, somehow this allusion makes sense. Cue the dancing shadows.

It's no surprise to the naked eye that someone like Lara is in the fashion industry. Her love of all things ecclectic and obscure combined with herunfortunate self-confidence lends itself to a unique style. "I am never boring with my style. Never. Ha! N-E-V-E-R! Life's too short to be boring. Dive into the deep end, eh? Jump the cliff. Push the boundaries. Challenge the status quo. Dare to be yourself. Good women rarely make history (ha! or something like that ha!)! Carpe Diem. Act now! Before-" I left our interview to have a cigarette as Lara continued to dictate her catalogue of aphorisms through the store window. When I came back, it seemed she had gotten carried away: "And the LORD said unto Joshua, Ha! Fear not, neither be thou dismayed: take all the people of war with thee, and arise, go up to Ai: see, I have given into thy hand the king of Ai, and his people, and his city, and his land. Ha!"

Needless to say, Lara likes to talk. A lot. "Some of my friends call me a chatterbox! Ha! But I've lost them over time." This shouldn't disuade gentlemen callers from pursuing Lara. She's intelligent, vibrant and... vibrant. She's proud of what she does and tells me it truly reflects her values as both a fashionista and a humanitarian: "I work for a company that pays their factory workers an adequate wage but stops short of being preachy by objectifying half-dressed 14-year-old girls in their ads! Ha! You don't want to seem too wholesome these days! Fashion needs an edge!" I rebuttled that fashion needs properly sewn clothing with seams that won't unravel with a warm summer breeze. "Ha!"

Single #7: The Olsen Twins

Meet The Olsen Twins

Gender: Female

Age: 17, 17... wait, who is that third person?

Body type: 1 Olsen twin + 1 Olsen twin = 1/2 of a pre-pubescent boy

Best Asset: 1 Olsen twin + 1 Olsen twin = 1/2 of a pre-pubescent boy

Seeking: A pair of swarthy young gentlemen to link arms with on the red carpet. Important enough that you have at least 50 - 100 google hits but not, like, tabloid important.

About The Olsen Twins

Best known for their portrayal of the adorable Michelle Tanner on TGIF's Full House, the Olsen Twins have grown up before our very eyes! Now making a splash in the New York scene with their 18-layers of hipster-scumbag clothing that we all roll our eyes at but secretly want to own but cannot on our limited biweekly salaries and it's not like we could fit into it anyways because we have shoulders and ribs and arm hair, the Olsen Twins sure have demolished their Jesse Katsopolis' munchkin image! "That sentence was too long" cried the hobbit-like shoulder-less duo. After which point I decidedly stopped narrating their singles profile while sitting in front of them.

Shining their wide Disney-like eyes, the Olsen Twins could melt any heart (on to a piece of tin foil off of which the fumes could be inhaled through a clear hard-plastic straw). But beware boys! These girls are strong business-minded women that will always favour pragmatism over romance: "No, we don't want no scrub!" They laughed. After revisiting a late 1990s Almanac I was able to decipher this prehistoric colloquialism. Apparently a scrub is a guy who "hangs out of his best friend's ride, trying to holla at me" or presumably anyone. Essentially, what the Olsen Twins are trying to convey, is that they need a guy who will love them for who they are and not just because they're the hottest twins in the business since Linsday Lohan and her sister in Parent Trap.

Curious about the third body in the photo? "That's Doris. Doris Olsen."

Single #6: Janice Steinberg

Meet Janice

Gender: Female

Age: 29... happy birthday ;)

Body type: P!nk meets Pete Wentz meets... Israel.

Best Asset: Well if I don't count Starlette over here, then I guess that would be my offshore bank accounts. My teeth are nice too. I've got some nice teeth. What? That's an asset, am I right? It can't be liquidated, but you know... they're my teeth. You know I don't appreciate you looking at me like I'm Meshugeneh, over here.

Seeking: A nice Jewish boy.

About Janice

I couldn't help but ask Janice why a young beautiful lady like herself, with so much to offer, would limit her dating pool by religion? "Typical. That's such a goyim thing to ask" She huffed. Seeking clarification, I asked what barbaric language the term "goyim" derives from, she answered: "You know what? I'm not here to give you a history lesson. And don't ask for a geneology lesson either." After being accused of antisemitism, I figured it was time to change the subject.

Janice is a gem of a woman. She's independent, wealthy, smart and best of all: "I am adamant about placing the cap back on the toothpaste. What good is a hardened blob of toothpaste at the top of the tube?" A rhetorical question, I presume. But this attention to detail seems to characterize much of Janice's life. Everything from her cd collection to 8 years worth of grocery lists, from her stuffed animals (she is a retired beenie baby collector) to her phone conversations (time rounded up to the nearest minute with detailed notes on subject matter), are recorded and catalogued in excel spreadsheets. "They date back to when I was 18. I had a cute little party last year to celebrate the 10th anneversary of my database. Nothing too fancy, you know? Just a nice glass of wine with some appetizers. I like hosting these things. You know? What the French call a soirée." Janice later reminded me that I should italicize words from languages other than English in this article. "I know what you're thinking - control freak! Right? Well, only when it comes to grammar, hun. It only takes two seconds to make the effort and double check - do I really mean 'there' or do I actually mean THEY RRRE - as in 'they are'? Am I right?"

Janice is not a demanding romantic partner. She much perfers the kind of (Jewish) man that allots her some breathing room. "I need ma' spay-ce" She yelps, snapping her fingers while drawing a "z" shape in the air. "That was my imitation of a black woman." Racist gestures aside, Janice seeks a man who is willing to step-up to the modern woman's needs and in return, she will let the reigns loose: "You can sleep with other women, sure. As long as I can too." When asked to clarify whether this was some sort of metaphor, Janice went to answer a business call on her cell phone that did not ring.

Single #5: Starlette Hojansen

Meet Starlette

Gender: Male

Age: 67

Body type: Muscles, hooves and a sassy tail.
Best Asset: I lost it when I transitioned into a gelding. My name used to be Terminator.

Seeking: A woman with eyes on the side of her head.

About Starlette
Getting to know Starlette was about as exciting as drinking excessively with Eeyore, the suicidal donkey from Winnie the Pooh. His trainer however, had the charisma of Tigger and the good looks of a dykish Christopher Robbin. So it was decided to put Starlette on the back burner and interview Janice instead.

Single #4: Sault Ste. Paul

Meet Sault

Gender: Male

Age: Easily a Restylane 19

Body type: You can fit THREE of me in ONE Michael Phelps... But you can fit ONE Michael Phelps into me anyday! What?! Who said that?

Best Asset: Thank you, I work out.

Seeking: A harem of cute boys. With money.

About Sault

"My name is pronounced 'Sous', by the way, not 'Salt'... for all you name-anglicizing vermin out there" barks Sault upon our first meeting. Sault is very proud of his Filles du Roi heritage. Most notably of his great great great grandmother Céline who was one of the pioneering ladies to first be sent over to Quebec from France to tend to the abundance of horny men in the French colonies. "Rumor has it, she was so hot that a song was written about her in 1665! But get this: when translated, thee song draws a striking resemblance to the lyrics of Kelis' 'Milkshake' song!" A club anthem Sault has never stopped dancing to.

Sault has an air of sexual confidence matched by no other boy in town. You can find him parading the street with nothing but a baby-tee and his best gal-friend’s jeans - even on those harsh -40 winter nights! “I’ve Botoxed my skin’s sensory receptors so as to eliminate the nagging need for warmth” he explains, as his skin gradually fades into an iridescent blue – handy for those who want to offset those pesky energy-saving yellow-tinted bulbs!

When it comes to earning a living, Sault is your typical "Jack of All Trades." He earns his living managing a job in four very diverse fields. During the week, you can find him alternating between his job as a cobbler and his job as one of those guys who stands on the street with a tall yellow and orange stick facing another man across the street who also holds a tall yellow and orange stick and who looks through a lens of sorts at the first tall yellow and orange stick and then deducts some kind of information that means something about the street presumably more important than simply two men staring at each other with tall sticks. “But don’t get me wrong… I do it all for the tall sticks” adds Sault.

Most weekday nights Sault gets his groove on and teaches a poll-dancing fitness class to seniors at the Jewish Community Center, "Oy vey! They wanted to take out insurance!". And finally, Sault gets his grove on with people his own age and with sticks that vary from small to tall at the local bar “Buddies in Bad Times” where he spins as DJ Karma. Where did the DJ name come from? “About 7 of my asshole ex-boyfriends are in the crowd so I decided to cast myself in the role of karma and ruin their nights with horrible music all night long.” And yet… the crowd keeps coming.

Now don’t be intimidated by this type-a sexy man of a boy… he’s got a heart of gold and a liver of steel.

Single #3: Marie Richer-than-you

Meet Marie

Gender: Female

Age: 24 (looks 26).

Body type: Tall, slim and long-legged with the occasional giant bruise.

Best Asset: When prompted by a bottle of wine or seven, I woo (as in whooooo!! like the yelling at parties) potential mates with a soft serving of wit and charm matched only by the late Carson Daly... he's dead, n'est pas? Oh yeah, je parle Français.

Seeking: A harem of cute boys.

About Marie
Living the artist's dream, Marie is stationed in France catapulting her career as a young écrivaine. When taking a break from romancing the natives, she makes ends meet as a stagehand for Opéra national de Paris. She relates the experience in a faux-Parisian accent: "It iz marrrvelous. I meet wit oll de starrs and I become célébre! I am de weener of de Opéra!" A winner indeed!

Marie's self-prescribed cryptonite is being in the company of good-looking members of the opposite sex. "Dey make me, how do you say? Weak in de knees" she says, with an ever-increasing resemblance to the Pink Panther - an ex-lover she refuses to disclose any information about, "It iz difficult dating a feline. He meows and I am zupposed to know what dis means? Iz it milk you want, pussycat? Iz it milk? Speak to me in a language you spineless coward!"

It is important to clarify to interested readers that Marie is not in fact seeking a relationship with a man. Rather she simply just wants to be surrounded by them, "preferably when dey cannot see me hidden in de corner of de café orrr in de window sill orr maybe I, moi-meme, am drrressed up in disguize as a man! Ha! Or a chair... an innocent piece of furrniture. I prretending to be friendly but really all along I am a girl! Salope!" Marie then gestured violently to her breasts violently to prove her point.

Other projects Marie is working on? "I am creating a graphic novel that investigates the intersection between women's sexual agency, citizenship and the Foucaultian notion of spectacle from a post-feminist perspective. It will be illustrated by Anne Geddes... you know the woman who takes pictures of babies sitting in produce?" If that isn't enough to bait care-free young men then what is??

Track Marie's quest for cute boys at her blog: www.cuteboysmakemenervous.blogspot.com

Single #2: Shindy Mashtersh

Meet Shindy

Gender: Female

Age: 44 (189 in dog years)

Body Type: Shlim with excessively-large jointsh.

Best Asset: My laugh. I laugh without opening my mouth. I try to prevent wrinklesh that way but then I jusht end up growling! Ha!

Seeking: A guy I can have shome fun with! That'sh under 25!

About Shindy
"I really jusht love a nishe glassh or two of wine at the end of the work day," Shindy responded when asked the question: "where do you live?" A self-professed "cougar", Shindy enjoys nothing better than the company of young virile men. "They're not lajzy like the rest of em'. They're eager to pleashe... if you get what I'm shaying!" Shindy winks, smiles and pauses before adding "I'm talking about shex. Right? You wij me?"

Heiress to the infamous Motel 8 chain that can be found littering Canadian highways from coast to coast, Shindy possess a business-savy mind and a love for travel. "Shome shay I've got a permanent cashe of the travel bug!" Shindy later revealed that this was in fact a minor case of bed bugs acquired at the Motel 8 just outside of Saskatoon.

You'll never encounter a dull moment with Shindy! This firecracker of a woman is always on the go - a fast-paced lifestyle she adores. "I'm not one to shit around and complain about the weajer, you know? I'm a go-getter. I'm a doer. I'm not a thinker. I'm a do-er. I do. Not think. Do. Think? No. Do. Go go go." So to all you single men out there under 25, you best be equipped with the stamina to keep up with Shindy. She may be 189 in dog years, but this pup is still wanting to play all day.

Single #1: Poochie

Meet Poochie

Gender: Female

Age: 11 years old (57 in dog years).

Body Type: Fluffy, white, eight nipples.

Eye Colour: Terrified.

Seeking: Male companion for early retirement.

About Poochie
Those who know her don't hesitate to admit that Poochie (sometimes known as "pooch" to close friends) has baggage! Born as runt in a litter of 8 other Bichon Frisés, Poochie was diagnosed as a retarded sheep by veterinarians in her birthplace of northern Quebec (for those kinky and curious, yes she does speak french in bed). "She may be a retarded sheep, but she has a heart of gold" said the Veterinarian in a funny accent thick enough that it's possible he wasn't talking about Poochie at all.

Most people are drawn-in by Poochie's majestic belladonna eyes. Snowball, Poochie's older sister, described the cute pup's eyes as "constantly filled with a look of blood-curdling horror, I'm surprised she's able to blink." Oh siblings!

As a post-menopausal woman with anxiety disorder, bladder stones, a slipped disk in the lumbar region and anal glands frequently in need of expression, it's no doubt that the most attractive thing Poochie looks for in a mate is "his family health coverage and prescription plan."

It's hard to resist this lovable mess of a mutt. Once you win her over and her quivering anxiety mellows down, you'll see first hand that the rewards outweigh the 18 years it took her to trust you and recognize you with a hat on.