Single #10: Marni Mae Julliath McGee Lopes Myanmar Plaxton Chow Dupuis

Meet Marnie Mae

Gender: Female

Age: 35

Body Type: "6 years of jazzercise... need I say more?"

Style: Some call it boring. Marnie Mae calls it Banana Republic.

Best Asset: "I have a heart the size of Alaska. Or Nebraska. Or both... it's the size of the Ottoman Empire... if it annexed Pluto."

Seeking: A casual and discreet lover. A friend, let's say. I have a tendency to get attached very quickly and marry the men I meet in, you know, a few dates or hours and that is a pattern I'm trying to break. I'm trying to be more independent. And I'm still technically married. Technically. And technically my husband has no clue that I'm looking for someone to sleep with. So if you want to get all technical about things, well I am looking to have an affair. Technically speaking.

About Marnie Mae
Marnie Mae is a unique woman with an even more unique career. Her business card reads:

Marnie Mae Julliath McGee Lopes Myanmar Plaxton Chow Dupuis
Architect to the Wildlife Kingdom

What does this mean exactly? She explains: "Well, it's my job to go out into the wilderness, study the ecosystem, destroy it and then re-design a habitat more convenient for the wildlife in the surrounding area. Sometimes this process is referred to as 'revitalization' or 'gentrification' or 'illegal' but I prefer to give animals more agency in the matter. This is a professional, work relationship. By calling myself an Architect to the Wildlife Kingdom, I suggest that I am serving them. They are my clients. I do all this for them." For those readers who need clarification on what kinds of architectural considerations were thought to be more convenient for the entire Wildlife Kingdom, Marnie Mae gives some examples: "Let me ask you this: Where is a parakeet supposed to find one of those blue ropes with the mirror and the bell tied to it that they can play with all day? Can you answer me that? Where? Nowhere... Parakeets need a strip mall." Still not convinced? Try this one: "Sure monkeys can brush their teeth, but where are they going to spit after they rinse their mouths? What? Are they just going to spit on the floor? That's disgusting. they need a sophisticated plumbing and irrigation system. They need cupboards and armrests and coasters... Just like us."

Before any aspiring Wildlife Architects follow the career path Marnie Mae has paved, they should consider the downside of this selfless line of work: "Don't expect to be paid on time." She laughs, and adds: "And don't think you'll get a 'thank you for suggesting the hidden appliances theme in our kitchen because the stainless steel would have just looked rediculous next to this shade of bark' or 'that was so nice of you to include bevelled edges on our distressed flooring for no extra charge.' They're very ungratefu, the animal kingdom. You'd think, naturally, because you are making foot rests for elephants with swollen ankles, you would get some recognition. This isn't the case."

When Marnie Mae is not busy turning rainforests into Ikea showrooms, one can find her at her lawyer's office settling 18 years worth of divorce cases - "6 divorces in 18 years... that's ALOT of paper work" She sighs. Marnie Mae says she does not regret any of her past marriages, "whether I can remember any of them is another story." Luckily, she has a policy of collecting her husbands surnames as a way of paying homage to their impact on her life: "I would get tattoos but somehow tattooing the names Peter Chow or Marcus Myanmar Jr. on my body seemed unattractive. Maybe I'm just afraid of needles."

If you're interested in building a family room for meerkats or assisting in the implementation of escalators for tucans, be sure to contact Marnie Mae. You may just be lucky enough to add to her collection!

Single #9: Andreas Berg

Meet Andreas

Gender: Female

Age: 16

Body type: "I don't fuckin' know. What? Like sporty I guess? Like, what the fuck kind of question is this?"

Style: Jem meets the Indigo Girls... and has a dysfunctional polyamorous relationship resulting in a custody battle over a cat and plaid guitar carrying case.

Best Asset: "I'm fuckin' rad."

Seeking: "Anyone but my stupid loser ex-boyfriend who doesn't get the fuckin' picture Jason! It's over. Like, this kid doesn't get it. I'm like so done with you, it's embarrassing."

About Andreas
Does Andreas look familiar to you? It's probably because you've seen this local celebrity rockin' the stage as lead singer and guitarist of the band "F U Mom." Andreas tells me that after a serious debate over a lunch break ("Like, the entire fuckin, like, lunch hour"), the band decided to change it's name from Fuck You Mom to "F U Mom" so they could expand their gig horizons. And expand their horizons they did! Maybe you saw them last month at Grimsby District Secondary School's Annual Battle of the Bands? Or just last weekend at Dominick Finetti's Bar Mitzvah? "Yeah, we're pretty fuckin' big but like, I don't let it get to my head, you know? Whatever. I mean, yeah." They were even featured briefly on the community listings for that CHIN Multiethnic channel that produces groundbreaking programming like "Eye on Asia" and "Polish Studio."

Balancing school and a booming music career is no easy task according to Andreas, "It's like, I'm like, soooo fuckin' busy doing this right?" Andreas gestures to the side with her left hand. "And then it's like, shit! Oh man! I forgot, like, I have to do that. Right?" Andreas gestures to the opposite side with the other hand - indicating two abstract spheres in life ("this" and "that") which are seemingly equally demanding of her time and energy. "That, like, struggle comes up a lot in like my lyrics because, like- Balance. Balance is- I think it's likem because - okay, so balancing is like fuckin' the core of everything. Right?" I voiced my disagreement only to find out that Andreas was not asking me a question but is in the habit of punctuating her sentences with the word "right" and spoken with an upward inflection that suggests she is asking a question when in fact she is actually making a statement but doing so as an insecure teenage girl. "Are you like, some fuckin kind of alien? Fuck, Like, seriously? Do you speak to people, like here on earth? You know?" I said I didn't I know and asked Andreas if she has ever, in her life, managed to complete a full sentence. I was then scuffed at and made to feel like the most worthless gathering of matter the world has ever seen in a way that only teenagers can truly master.

Grammar and syntax aside, Andreas has so much to offer a potential mate. She is passionate, talented and independent. She has a burning desire to find and explore new love, a drive present in the pioneering spirit of her new song "I Haven't Been to Third Base Yet (but would like to with you)." So to all you Avril Lavigne groupies out there discouraged that she has committed herself to a life of holy matrimony, come swing by Natasha's upcomming Sweet Sixteen party and try your luck with Andreas. But only if you're invited.

Single #8: Lara Flynn Moyle

Meet Lara

Gender: Ha! I don't subscribe to the gender binary... mostly because my thyroid problem makes me grow hair out of my cheeks.

Age: Oh, you didn't? Ha! Next you're going to ask my weight aren't you? Ha... my age is somewhere in the range of 11 and 37.75.

Weight: What is this a medical exam? Ha!

Body Type: Buxom

Weight: Um, hello? Ha! I told you a true lady doesn't share her age or her weight.

Best Asset: Ha! Easy-peazy, miss sleazy... My style.

Seeking: My partner in crime!

If you were to be sold at a deli for $1/pound you would cost: $167 and about five dollars more when I'm on my period. Ha! gross! Ha! you tricked me. Ha! I'll chop you.

About Lara
For Lara, there is no separation between work and play. The two harmonize better than the Bee Gees for this American Apparel senior manager. "It's great, I tell you! It's fabulous! The colours! The overpriced colours! Ha! I'm surrounded by an explosion of colours all day in a store that feels like the inside of an iPod!" Though the inside of an iPod is presumably filled with chips and wires, somehow this allusion makes sense. Cue the dancing shadows.

It's no surprise to the naked eye that someone like Lara is in the fashion industry. Her love of all things ecclectic and obscure combined with herunfortunate self-confidence lends itself to a unique style. "I am never boring with my style. Never. Ha! N-E-V-E-R! Life's too short to be boring. Dive into the deep end, eh? Jump the cliff. Push the boundaries. Challenge the status quo. Dare to be yourself. Good women rarely make history (ha! or something like that ha!)! Carpe Diem. Act now! Before-" I left our interview to have a cigarette as Lara continued to dictate her catalogue of aphorisms through the store window. When I came back, it seemed she had gotten carried away: "And the LORD said unto Joshua, Ha! Fear not, neither be thou dismayed: take all the people of war with thee, and arise, go up to Ai: see, I have given into thy hand the king of Ai, and his people, and his city, and his land. Ha!"

Needless to say, Lara likes to talk. A lot. "Some of my friends call me a chatterbox! Ha! But I've lost them over time." This shouldn't disuade gentlemen callers from pursuing Lara. She's intelligent, vibrant and... vibrant. She's proud of what she does and tells me it truly reflects her values as both a fashionista and a humanitarian: "I work for a company that pays their factory workers an adequate wage but stops short of being preachy by objectifying half-dressed 14-year-old girls in their ads! Ha! You don't want to seem too wholesome these days! Fashion needs an edge!" I rebuttled that fashion needs properly sewn clothing with seams that won't unravel with a warm summer breeze. "Ha!"

Single #7: The Olsen Twins

Meet The Olsen Twins

Gender: Female

Age: 17, 17... wait, who is that third person?

Body type: 1 Olsen twin + 1 Olsen twin = 1/2 of a pre-pubescent boy

Best Asset: 1 Olsen twin + 1 Olsen twin = 1/2 of a pre-pubescent boy

Seeking: A pair of swarthy young gentlemen to link arms with on the red carpet. Important enough that you have at least 50 - 100 google hits but not, like, tabloid important.

About The Olsen Twins

Best known for their portrayal of the adorable Michelle Tanner on TGIF's Full House, the Olsen Twins have grown up before our very eyes! Now making a splash in the New York scene with their 18-layers of hipster-scumbag clothing that we all roll our eyes at but secretly want to own but cannot on our limited biweekly salaries and it's not like we could fit into it anyways because we have shoulders and ribs and arm hair, the Olsen Twins sure have demolished their Jesse Katsopolis' munchkin image! "That sentence was too long" cried the hobbit-like shoulder-less duo. After which point I decidedly stopped narrating their singles profile while sitting in front of them.

Shining their wide Disney-like eyes, the Olsen Twins could melt any heart (on to a piece of tin foil off of which the fumes could be inhaled through a clear hard-plastic straw). But beware boys! These girls are strong business-minded women that will always favour pragmatism over romance: "No, we don't want no scrub!" They laughed. After revisiting a late 1990s Almanac I was able to decipher this prehistoric colloquialism. Apparently a scrub is a guy who "hangs out of his best friend's ride, trying to holla at me" or presumably anyone. Essentially, what the Olsen Twins are trying to convey, is that they need a guy who will love them for who they are and not just because they're the hottest twins in the business since Linsday Lohan and her sister in Parent Trap.

Curious about the third body in the photo? "That's Doris. Doris Olsen."

Single #6: Janice Steinberg

Meet Janice

Gender: Female

Age: 29... happy birthday ;)

Body type: P!nk meets Pete Wentz meets... Israel.

Best Asset: Well if I don't count Starlette over here, then I guess that would be my offshore bank accounts. My teeth are nice too. I've got some nice teeth. What? That's an asset, am I right? It can't be liquidated, but you know... they're my teeth. You know I don't appreciate you looking at me like I'm Meshugeneh, over here.

Seeking: A nice Jewish boy.

About Janice

I couldn't help but ask Janice why a young beautiful lady like herself, with so much to offer, would limit her dating pool by religion? "Typical. That's such a goyim thing to ask" She huffed. Seeking clarification, I asked what barbaric language the term "goyim" derives from, she answered: "You know what? I'm not here to give you a history lesson. And don't ask for a geneology lesson either." After being accused of antisemitism, I figured it was time to change the subject.

Janice is a gem of a woman. She's independent, wealthy, smart and best of all: "I am adamant about placing the cap back on the toothpaste. What good is a hardened blob of toothpaste at the top of the tube?" A rhetorical question, I presume. But this attention to detail seems to characterize much of Janice's life. Everything from her cd collection to 8 years worth of grocery lists, from her stuffed animals (she is a retired beenie baby collector) to her phone conversations (time rounded up to the nearest minute with detailed notes on subject matter), are recorded and catalogued in excel spreadsheets. "They date back to when I was 18. I had a cute little party last year to celebrate the 10th anneversary of my database. Nothing too fancy, you know? Just a nice glass of wine with some appetizers. I like hosting these things. You know? What the French call a soirée." Janice later reminded me that I should italicize words from languages other than English in this article. "I know what you're thinking - control freak! Right? Well, only when it comes to grammar, hun. It only takes two seconds to make the effort and double check - do I really mean 'there' or do I actually mean THEY RRRE - as in 'they are'? Am I right?"

Janice is not a demanding romantic partner. She much perfers the kind of (Jewish) man that allots her some breathing room. "I need ma' spay-ce" She yelps, snapping her fingers while drawing a "z" shape in the air. "That was my imitation of a black woman." Racist gestures aside, Janice seeks a man who is willing to step-up to the modern woman's needs and in return, she will let the reigns loose: "You can sleep with other women, sure. As long as I can too." When asked to clarify whether this was some sort of metaphor, Janice went to answer a business call on her cell phone that did not ring.

Single #5: Starlette Hojansen

Meet Starlette

Gender: Male

Age: 67

Body type: Muscles, hooves and a sassy tail.
Best Asset: I lost it when I transitioned into a gelding. My name used to be Terminator.

Seeking: A woman with eyes on the side of her head.

About Starlette
Getting to know Starlette was about as exciting as drinking excessively with Eeyore, the suicidal donkey from Winnie the Pooh. His trainer however, had the charisma of Tigger and the good looks of a dykish Christopher Robbin. So it was decided to put Starlette on the back burner and interview Janice instead.

Single #4: Sault Ste. Paul

Meet Sault

Gender: Male

Age: Easily a Restylane 19

Body type: You can fit THREE of me in ONE Michael Phelps... But you can fit ONE Michael Phelps into me anyday! What?! Who said that?

Best Asset: Thank you, I work out.

Seeking: A harem of cute boys. With money.

About Sault

"My name is pronounced 'Sous', by the way, not 'Salt'... for all you name-anglicizing vermin out there" barks Sault upon our first meeting. Sault is very proud of his Filles du Roi heritage. Most notably of his great great great grandmother Céline who was one of the pioneering ladies to first be sent over to Quebec from France to tend to the abundance of horny men in the French colonies. "Rumor has it, she was so hot that a song was written about her in 1665! But get this: when translated, thee song draws a striking resemblance to the lyrics of Kelis' 'Milkshake' song!" A club anthem Sault has never stopped dancing to.

Sault has an air of sexual confidence matched by no other boy in town. You can find him parading the street with nothing but a baby-tee and his best gal-friend’s jeans - even on those harsh -40 winter nights! “I’ve Botoxed my skin’s sensory receptors so as to eliminate the nagging need for warmth” he explains, as his skin gradually fades into an iridescent blue – handy for those who want to offset those pesky energy-saving yellow-tinted bulbs!

When it comes to earning a living, Sault is your typical "Jack of All Trades." He earns his living managing a job in four very diverse fields. During the week, you can find him alternating between his job as a cobbler and his job as one of those guys who stands on the street with a tall yellow and orange stick facing another man across the street who also holds a tall yellow and orange stick and who looks through a lens of sorts at the first tall yellow and orange stick and then deducts some kind of information that means something about the street presumably more important than simply two men staring at each other with tall sticks. “But don’t get me wrong… I do it all for the tall sticks” adds Sault.

Most weekday nights Sault gets his groove on and teaches a poll-dancing fitness class to seniors at the Jewish Community Center, "Oy vey! They wanted to take out insurance!". And finally, Sault gets his grove on with people his own age and with sticks that vary from small to tall at the local bar “Buddies in Bad Times” where he spins as DJ Karma. Where did the DJ name come from? “About 7 of my asshole ex-boyfriends are in the crowd so I decided to cast myself in the role of karma and ruin their nights with horrible music all night long.” And yet… the crowd keeps coming.

Now don’t be intimidated by this type-a sexy man of a boy… he’s got a heart of gold and a liver of steel.

Single #3: Marie Richer-than-you

Meet Marie

Gender: Female

Age: 24 (looks 26).

Body type: Tall, slim and long-legged with the occasional giant bruise.

Best Asset: When prompted by a bottle of wine or seven, I woo (as in whooooo!! like the yelling at parties) potential mates with a soft serving of wit and charm matched only by the late Carson Daly... he's dead, n'est pas? Oh yeah, je parle Français.

Seeking: A harem of cute boys.

About Marie
Living the artist's dream, Marie is stationed in France catapulting her career as a young écrivaine. When taking a break from romancing the natives, she makes ends meet as a stagehand for Opéra national de Paris. She relates the experience in a faux-Parisian accent: "It iz marrrvelous. I meet wit oll de starrs and I become célébre! I am de weener of de Opéra!" A winner indeed!

Marie's self-prescribed cryptonite is being in the company of good-looking members of the opposite sex. "Dey make me, how do you say? Weak in de knees" she says, with an ever-increasing resemblance to the Pink Panther - an ex-lover she refuses to disclose any information about, "It iz difficult dating a feline. He meows and I am zupposed to know what dis means? Iz it milk you want, pussycat? Iz it milk? Speak to me in a language you spineless coward!"

It is important to clarify to interested readers that Marie is not in fact seeking a relationship with a man. Rather she simply just wants to be surrounded by them, "preferably when dey cannot see me hidden in de corner of de café orrr in de window sill orr maybe I, moi-meme, am drrressed up in disguize as a man! Ha! Or a chair... an innocent piece of furrniture. I prretending to be friendly but really all along I am a girl! Salope!" Marie then gestured violently to her breasts violently to prove her point.

Other projects Marie is working on? "I am creating a graphic novel that investigates the intersection between women's sexual agency, citizenship and the Foucaultian notion of spectacle from a post-feminist perspective. It will be illustrated by Anne Geddes... you know the woman who takes pictures of babies sitting in produce?" If that isn't enough to bait care-free young men then what is??

Track Marie's quest for cute boys at her blog: www.cuteboysmakemenervous.blogspot.com