Single #9: Andreas Berg

Meet Andreas

Gender: Female

Age: 16

Body type: "I don't fuckin' know. What? Like sporty I guess? Like, what the fuck kind of question is this?"

Style: Jem meets the Indigo Girls... and has a dysfunctional polyamorous relationship resulting in a custody battle over a cat and plaid guitar carrying case.

Best Asset: "I'm fuckin' rad."

Seeking: "Anyone but my stupid loser ex-boyfriend who doesn't get the fuckin' picture Jason! It's over. Like, this kid doesn't get it. I'm like so done with you, it's embarrassing."

About Andreas
Does Andreas look familiar to you? It's probably because you've seen this local celebrity rockin' the stage as lead singer and guitarist of the band "F U Mom." Andreas tells me that after a serious debate over a lunch break ("Like, the entire fuckin, like, lunch hour"), the band decided to change it's name from Fuck You Mom to "F U Mom" so they could expand their gig horizons. And expand their horizons they did! Maybe you saw them last month at Grimsby District Secondary School's Annual Battle of the Bands? Or just last weekend at Dominick Finetti's Bar Mitzvah? "Yeah, we're pretty fuckin' big but like, I don't let it get to my head, you know? Whatever. I mean, yeah." They were even featured briefly on the community listings for that CHIN Multiethnic channel that produces groundbreaking programming like "Eye on Asia" and "Polish Studio."

Balancing school and a booming music career is no easy task according to Andreas, "It's like, I'm like, soooo fuckin' busy doing this right?" Andreas gestures to the side with her left hand. "And then it's like, shit! Oh man! I forgot, like, I have to do that. Right?" Andreas gestures to the opposite side with the other hand - indicating two abstract spheres in life ("this" and "that") which are seemingly equally demanding of her time and energy. "That, like, struggle comes up a lot in like my lyrics because, like- Balance. Balance is- I think it's likem because - okay, so balancing is like fuckin' the core of everything. Right?" I voiced my disagreement only to find out that Andreas was not asking me a question but is in the habit of punctuating her sentences with the word "right" and spoken with an upward inflection that suggests she is asking a question when in fact she is actually making a statement but doing so as an insecure teenage girl. "Are you like, some fuckin kind of alien? Fuck, Like, seriously? Do you speak to people, like here on earth? You know?" I said I didn't I know and asked Andreas if she has ever, in her life, managed to complete a full sentence. I was then scuffed at and made to feel like the most worthless gathering of matter the world has ever seen in a way that only teenagers can truly master.

Grammar and syntax aside, Andreas has so much to offer a potential mate. She is passionate, talented and independent. She has a burning desire to find and explore new love, a drive present in the pioneering spirit of her new song "I Haven't Been to Third Base Yet (but would like to with you)." So to all you Avril Lavigne groupies out there discouraged that she has committed herself to a life of holy matrimony, come swing by Natasha's upcomming Sweet Sixteen party and try your luck with Andreas. But only if you're invited.